Waiting

It's been a couple days and I keep playing everything over and over in my mind. I keep thinking what went wrong. I don't think I'll ever know. It just happens I guess. Still the heartbreak is unbearable at times. Ive cried a million tears and somehow it's not enough. Hubby wants me to feel better, but understands its gonna take some time. I cry at the most random moments. Like as he hugged me I caressed his ear and remember thinking "what would the baby look like?" I cry when I look at my puppy's belly... Because I always joked that once my baby was born I'd get to kiss my baby's belly. I cried cleaning up my room because I realized I no longer had to be careful with cleaning products. I cried when I bought cheese because I now knew I could eat queso fresco without worrying i'd hurt the baby. I break down when I see my nieces because I wanted so badly my baby to interact with them...yes, I cried...and I honestly don't know when I'll stop.

And now I'm waiting for nature to take its course and for my body to naturally eject my baby. I'm bleeding already, so it's only a matter of time. Then on my birthday I'm due to see my doctor and see if a d&c is still necessary. I'm truly hopeful that my body does its job and that a d&c won't be necessary. I don't want anymore waiting.

I've come to terms with what happened. I just hope I get another chance. Maybe not right now... I need to grieve and let my body heal, but sometime soon... and when and if it happens I'll hope and pray that God and my little angel baby look out for us and grant us the joy of being parents.

It's hard. It's scary. It's unfair. I won't question God or his actions, but gosh I just don't understand. I just don't get the point.