On Valentines Day I dreamt a dream in which I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Not for a moment did I ever think that the dream that woke me up that night would be the nightmare that I'm living at this moment.
In my dream I dreamt that my sister was pregnant (which she is) and was hanging out with my dad. That's not bad at all. But in this dream I was on my knees begging my dad to be a part of my life. I'm talking about begging and crying with knots in my throat. I woke up and said "God, I miss my dad!" My hubby was at work, so somehow I cried myself back to sleep. I kept thinking something's up with him. But I thought maybe I dreamt that because I missed him and was somehow a little upset he hadn't returned my phone calls/facebook messages. So I brushed it off and didn't think much else. Then when I woke up I remembered another part of the dream which had nothing to do with the other. I remembered being asleep and all of a sudden feeling my insides move. Like a wave inside my abdomen. I smiled thinking, "oh, I can't wait to feel my baby."
The next day or two I dreamt my mom and I were bathing a little beautiful chubby little baby who was no more than a couple inches long. But other than that was fully developed. I remember watching as it smiled at me. A huge part of the dream was where I asked my mom in spanish what sex it was and she replied "A girl silly...she doesn't have a wee wee." We smiled and continued bathing the baby.
Now as I think about them I can't help but put the pieces together and see how they were a sign of the nightmare I'm living now. I feel lost and feel that not only am I mourning the loss of my first child, but the loss of my father.
I pray that the pain goes away. I pray that things get better. But wow how real were my dreams?
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