It Happened

The inevitable happened. I miscarried. Only this time Manuel wasn't here to hold my hand. He had to work. It's okay. I'm okay with that.

I'm going to go into very detailed aspects of the miscarriage, so if that by any chance makes you uncomfortable please stop reading. I am doing this for me and for those who may be going through something similar and feel alone. I know that reading similar stories online helped me a great deal these past few days.

Ok. Here goes.

I began feeling like I was getting contractions at 11:40 something. From what I went through the night before I knew I would need some sort of pain killer. Luckily we bought some Advil earlier. I took one and sooner than later they started kicking in hardcore. Only today the pain was definitely in the birth canal. I knew that at any moment it would happen. I held my pillows tight and told God and the baby that it was okay. It was okay to do this without Manuel because he was with me in spirit. I asked God to make this quick and as pain free as possible. As crazy as it sounds I even sang. I needed to get my mind off of the pain. And about an hour later I got a contraction and felt a pop then a sudden gush of fluid. I got up and walked to my restroom. I sat on the toilet and within seconds I felt my whole body release the pregnancy. At that very moment I felt closure. I changed pads and put a bunch of plastic bags around my hand and plunged it into the toilet. There was no way I was flushing my child. I needed to see her. I needed this. I dug around and found the sac, but I couldn't see my lil one. There was too much blood. In the meantime I feel myself losing more blood, tissue, and fluids. I finally see a little whitish tissue about the size of a nickel and try to get it, but it would slip. It was still attached to part of the sac. I got a q-tip to hold it up and somehow removed the bags from my hand. I grabbed tissue and cleaned it up. It was so perfect and beautiful. It was just how I'd seen it on the ultrasound. Normally, I'd gag at the sight of bodily fluids, but not today. This was my little angel baby. She looks content and looks as if she was smiling and holding her belly. She was perfect.

I called my hubby at work but kept missing him. Finally he picked up and told him what happened. He was so concerned and his voice trembled. He wanted me to tell my sister or mom, but I couldn't. My sister is almost 7 months and my mom had dialysis in a few hours. I couldn't. I needed this moment to be private. He reluctantly understood. I told him how beautiful she was and broke into tears. I'm okay. I'm okay I repeated. I'm just emotional I assured him. I told him I wanted to bury her. I wanted to go on a hike and give her a beautiful view, but he said he'd rather bury her at a Cemetry or at home. Truth is, I just want to be able to visit her resting site and have her rest in peace. I told him we'd talk about it when he got home. He was okay with it but continued to ask if I was ok. He regretted not being here. I reassured him it was ok. I know he would've never left me had he known it would happen tonight. I love that man. I never thought it would be at all possible to fall in love over and over with someone. Because through this darkness our baby brought us closer than I ever thought.

So after a few minutes of back and fourth reassurance he let me go. I got off the phone and showered. I remember thinking "thank you God."

After I showered I wrote my baby a note on the paper she laid on. I placed her in a small box. I pray she rests in peace and is happy in heaven. I know this is just her body, but having seen her and felt her has brought great closure.

I don't expect anyone to understand. Heck, I can't wrap my mind as to what just happened. I'm just hopeful someone finds it helpful.

And now, I lay me down to sleep. I'm hopeful I can get some rest.

Thank you for reading. And if you're going through this please know you're not alone. Please find comfort in knowing your little one is in a better place. May you find inner peace and surround yourself with love.

Goodnight.