How Long Before It's Over

Sorry to be posting so much about such an intimate and private part of my life. It's just that this is the only place aside from speaking to my wonderful hubby in which I feel completely at ease to speak of our loss in detail.

Yesterday hubby and I went for a walk. Upon returning home I felt slight cramping in my lower abdomen. Slowly the cramping became so much more intense. It sounds horrible, but it felt like bad gas that couldn't pass. I googled the feeling to find out it was contractions. I wasn't expecting that at all. As painful as they were it gave me some sort of closure. It was my body reminding me that indeed my pregnancy was real. My baby was real. My baby died somewhere between 8w4d and 9w, but I only came to find out at my 14 week prenatal. He/she's been gone for a while, but my body and mind still felt pregnant. My body held on to every bit of hope. And soon after finding out it finally decided to start letting it go. I'm amazed at it's timing.

At first I was angry, disappointed, upset at myself for finding out this way, but I've come to the realization that God wanted it that way. No, it's not okay. But last night as I laid in bed going through my contractions I wasn't too scared. I put all my faith in God and let my hubby hold my hand. We thought it would be it, but no, it's not. For about 3-4 hours I took the pain. My hubby laid next to me and rubbed my belly until the pain went away and we fell asleep. I bled a lot and a lot of jelly-like fluid came gushing out. Sorry for TMI. But my baby did not.

Luckily, I received a call from my RN who told me my doctor will return early from his vacation to see me and check me out. I figure if my body can't expel my little angel my doctor will be able to help me out.

As much as I would rather do this at home, I need to take care of myself. I want to conceive again. As to when, that's up to God... I'm in no rush. I've waited this long. I just wonder how long before all this is over. I'll just always remember my little miracle baby. Who even in death has managed to bring me closure and made me feel closer to God and my hubby. I can't ever take that for granted.