Emotional

I woke up today feeling very emotional. I mean earlier today I was sobbing my heart away at how scared I am. Maybe it had to do with a nightmare that I had (which btw, did NOT involve my baby). But got me in the wrong kind of mood. I don't even know why, but I was just feeling down. And I've come to realize that indeed, I am scared and somewhat overwhelmed with knowing that this month without a doubt Alejandro will be here. Don't get me wrong, I want him here! It's just that it suddenly hit me that I will now be in charge of not only my happiness, but the happiness and well being of an innocent little human being that for nine months I've carried in my womb. How can something so exciting be so frightening as well? I mean seriously.... lol. Maybe I'm scared that it's all ending... my pregnancy I mean. Because let me tell you that although I've had some rough days, I've had many more awesome days. Days in which all I've wanted to do is sit/lay there and feel him move inside. I've felt accomplished and for the first time ever, as a woman with PCOS I've felt "normal." 

Does that even make sense to anyone? Maybe to someone who's battled infertility for ten years it does. Or someone who really thought this would never happen. I mean seriously, up until November 2011 I had given up all hope of ever conceiving. And after my miscarriage last year I was completely broken. And today I can't help but think about the baby I lost last year. I know things happen for a reason, but it still hurts to know that she isn't here. It's sad and very scary.

But don't worry, I'm sure it's just my hormones acting all crazy prior to my BIG day! I'm sure that when I see my little Alejandro for the first time and they place him on my chest I will be the happiest woman ever. It'll be amazing... and all these emotions will fade into oblivion because I will finally see the fruit of my womb. Ahhhh how exciting!

Any who, I wonder if others experience this roller coaster just prior to delivery? Or maybe it's just me :/ lol.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To....

Ughhh. I've been an emotional mess since late last night. I guess it's because I really was excited about my pregnancy and saw myself so happy on my 32nd birthday. That of course did not become a reality. In fact, what happened was the worst outcome ever. :( I'm just tired y'all. Tired of feeling like I'll never be a mommy. Tired of having the dream. I miss my perfect little baby oh so much. I know she's in a better place, but for today, what I wouldn't give to have her in my life.

On other news, I don't have anything planned for the day. In fact, I didn't even go in to work. My hear just wasn't in it today. I don't think I would've been able to manage all the questions today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to go in and get on with life. Just not today.

I'm thinking I want to go to The LA County Museum of Art and see the exposition that they have for Frida Kahlo. Seems nice. We shall see.

Alrighty peeps... have a blessed day.

Growing A Garden Full of Love

It's a beautiful day out. God sure is shining it's sun down on me today. Had a doctors appointment earlier today. Everything looks ok. He seemed very optimistic. Still have a small clot that needs to make it's way out, but Dr. didn't seem too concerned. But he did schedule me in to see him again in two weeks.

On another note, the day is pretty. I asked hubby to stop over at Target and we did. Somehow we managed to make it over to the gardening section. It was so pretty and inspiring to see all those colors and got a bunch of different ideas as to what I want to do.

While there, we decided to grab some seeds and grow some veggies, herbs, and a couple flowers. Hopefully they'll take. Here are all the goodies we got.

Once home we went out to the back patio and got our hands dirty. It's such a hard time in our lives, but somehow we're closer than we ever have been. Our baby is the best thing that's ever happened to us. My hubby kept telling me how much he loved me and was enjoying getting to do this with him. I felt truly loved. We were out there a while. Finally we finished planting and brought some inside. They'll be ready for some sun in about 8 weeks. A few stayed outside. I'm gonna try and take weekly pictures of the progress. We're actually very excited. LOL.

Later on we went over to my brothers house where my mom and step dad made some seafood soup. It was so good. We got to spend some much needed family time. It was nice. I really do love them with all my heart and am glad I have them all in my life. Luckily, we didn't talk about the miscarriage. It's just something I'm not ready to do yet. It's too painful to share. But good times were had and I'm sure my little angel had a lot to do with me enjoying myself.

Welp, that was my day. Full of sunshine. Hope you enjoyed yours and made the best of it.

Music

I've been up since late last night cleaning and dusting and cleaning and dusting. Yesterday was a good day. As good as it can get after what happened. I was feeling optimistic and energized. But then I got emotional and I haven't been able to shake that feeling. I'm really trying to keep myself busy and not make too much noise as hubby got a little sick. He's fine, just a cold. But it got me thinking of how much he means to me and how different things would be without him. I am just so darn lucky to have him in my life. I hope he feels better soon.

So in order for me not to wake him I put my iPod on and listened to music as I cleaned. I put Pandora and it immediately started playing the last station I created; which just happened to be a Whitney Houston station. I created it when she passed to remember her for her great music. Any who, the first song that started playing was "Dreaming of You" By Selena. Oh my Lord, it hit me hard. Because that is exactly what I had been doing. I'd been staying up all night since I found out and talking to God and my little sweet angel. Dreaming, I guess.



I just broke down in tears as silently as I could. At that moment I realized I'm going to have some really good days and some really low ones. Things are going to happen that are going to trigger those emotions and feelings and I'll break down. I'm okay with that. It's a part of grieving, but gosh it's a hard one.

So just when I'm sobbing and feeling my heart come out of my chest another song comes on. This song is "When you Believe" by Whitney Houston. It is beautiful. I couldn't believe how comforting it was to hear it. It was as if God and my Angel were telling me not to give up. To just believe. And soon not only will things be alright, but if I believe maybe there will be that miracle.



It could all just be a coincidence, but at this moment I'll take any little glimpse of hope that God offers me.

What Makes a Mother?

- Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!

Getting Support

I have found such great support through these online groups on Facebook. I love that they're private, so my regular "friends" don't see that activity. It's private and frankly interacting with women who have been there is giving me the strength to not give up. I have found great comfort in knowing that I can always turn to them for a comforting word or two. It's crazy to think that complete strangers can make me feel better. I guess it's because we've all been there. That dark spot in which giving up would be much easier. But we're all fighters and the fact that we're there proves it. Although, I would certainly prefer that neither one of us was here I can't help but thank God for all these women and men. They're my little angels too!

It Happened

The inevitable happened. I miscarried. Only this time Manuel wasn't here to hold my hand. He had to work. It's okay. I'm okay with that.

I'm going to go into very detailed aspects of the miscarriage, so if that by any chance makes you uncomfortable please stop reading. I am doing this for me and for those who may be going through something similar and feel alone. I know that reading similar stories online helped me a great deal these past few days.

Ok. Here goes.

I began feeling like I was getting contractions at 11:40 something. From what I went through the night before I knew I would need some sort of pain killer. Luckily we bought some Advil earlier. I took one and sooner than later they started kicking in hardcore. Only today the pain was definitely in the birth canal. I knew that at any moment it would happen. I held my pillows tight and told God and the baby that it was okay. It was okay to do this without Manuel because he was with me in spirit. I asked God to make this quick and as pain free as possible. As crazy as it sounds I even sang. I needed to get my mind off of the pain. And about an hour later I got a contraction and felt a pop then a sudden gush of fluid. I got up and walked to my restroom. I sat on the toilet and within seconds I felt my whole body release the pregnancy. At that very moment I felt closure. I changed pads and put a bunch of plastic bags around my hand and plunged it into the toilet. There was no way I was flushing my child. I needed to see her. I needed this. I dug around and found the sac, but I couldn't see my lil one. There was too much blood. In the meantime I feel myself losing more blood, tissue, and fluids. I finally see a little whitish tissue about the size of a nickel and try to get it, but it would slip. It was still attached to part of the sac. I got a q-tip to hold it up and somehow removed the bags from my hand. I grabbed tissue and cleaned it up. It was so perfect and beautiful. It was just how I'd seen it on the ultrasound. Normally, I'd gag at the sight of bodily fluids, but not today. This was my little angel baby. She looks content and looks as if she was smiling and holding her belly. She was perfect.

I called my hubby at work but kept missing him. Finally he picked up and told him what happened. He was so concerned and his voice trembled. He wanted me to tell my sister or mom, but I couldn't. My sister is almost 7 months and my mom had dialysis in a few hours. I couldn't. I needed this moment to be private. He reluctantly understood. I told him how beautiful she was and broke into tears. I'm okay. I'm okay I repeated. I'm just emotional I assured him. I told him I wanted to bury her. I wanted to go on a hike and give her a beautiful view, but he said he'd rather bury her at a Cemetry or at home. Truth is, I just want to be able to visit her resting site and have her rest in peace. I told him we'd talk about it when he got home. He was okay with it but continued to ask if I was ok. He regretted not being here. I reassured him it was ok. I know he would've never left me had he known it would happen tonight. I love that man. I never thought it would be at all possible to fall in love over and over with someone. Because through this darkness our baby brought us closer than I ever thought.

So after a few minutes of back and fourth reassurance he let me go. I got off the phone and showered. I remember thinking "thank you God."

After I showered I wrote my baby a note on the paper she laid on. I placed her in a small box. I pray she rests in peace and is happy in heaven. I know this is just her body, but having seen her and felt her has brought great closure.

I don't expect anyone to understand. Heck, I can't wrap my mind as to what just happened. I'm just hopeful someone finds it helpful.

And now, I lay me down to sleep. I'm hopeful I can get some rest.

Thank you for reading. And if you're going through this please know you're not alone. Please find comfort in knowing your little one is in a better place. May you find inner peace and surround yourself with love.

Goodnight.

How Long Before It's Over

Sorry to be posting so much about such an intimate and private part of my life. It's just that this is the only place aside from speaking to my wonderful hubby in which I feel completely at ease to speak of our loss in detail.

Yesterday hubby and I went for a walk. Upon returning home I felt slight cramping in my lower abdomen. Slowly the cramping became so much more intense. It sounds horrible, but it felt like bad gas that couldn't pass. I googled the feeling to find out it was contractions. I wasn't expecting that at all. As painful as they were it gave me some sort of closure. It was my body reminding me that indeed my pregnancy was real. My baby was real. My baby died somewhere between 8w4d and 9w, but I only came to find out at my 14 week prenatal. He/she's been gone for a while, but my body and mind still felt pregnant. My body held on to every bit of hope. And soon after finding out it finally decided to start letting it go. I'm amazed at it's timing.

At first I was angry, disappointed, upset at myself for finding out this way, but I've come to the realization that God wanted it that way. No, it's not okay. But last night as I laid in bed going through my contractions I wasn't too scared. I put all my faith in God and let my hubby hold my hand. We thought it would be it, but no, it's not. For about 3-4 hours I took the pain. My hubby laid next to me and rubbed my belly until the pain went away and we fell asleep. I bled a lot and a lot of jelly-like fluid came gushing out. Sorry for TMI. But my baby did not.

Luckily, I received a call from my RN who told me my doctor will return early from his vacation to see me and check me out. I figure if my body can't expel my little angel my doctor will be able to help me out.

As much as I would rather do this at home, I need to take care of myself. I want to conceive again. As to when, that's up to God... I'm in no rush. I've waited this long. I just wonder how long before all this is over. I'll just always remember my little miracle baby. Who even in death has managed to bring me closure and made me feel closer to God and my hubby. I can't ever take that for granted.

Waiting

It's been a couple days and I keep playing everything over and over in my mind. I keep thinking what went wrong. I don't think I'll ever know. It just happens I guess. Still the heartbreak is unbearable at times. Ive cried a million tears and somehow it's not enough. Hubby wants me to feel better, but understands its gonna take some time. I cry at the most random moments. Like as he hugged me I caressed his ear and remember thinking "what would the baby look like?" I cry when I look at my puppy's belly... Because I always joked that once my baby was born I'd get to kiss my baby's belly. I cried cleaning up my room because I realized I no longer had to be careful with cleaning products. I cried when I bought cheese because I now knew I could eat queso fresco without worrying i'd hurt the baby. I break down when I see my nieces because I wanted so badly my baby to interact with them...yes, I cried...and I honestly don't know when I'll stop.

And now I'm waiting for nature to take its course and for my body to naturally eject my baby. I'm bleeding already, so it's only a matter of time. Then on my birthday I'm due to see my doctor and see if a d&c is still necessary. I'm truly hopeful that my body does its job and that a d&c won't be necessary. I don't want anymore waiting.

I've come to terms with what happened. I just hope I get another chance. Maybe not right now... I need to grieve and let my body heal, but sometime soon... and when and if it happens I'll hope and pray that God and my little angel baby look out for us and grant us the joy of being parents.

It's hard. It's scary. It's unfair. I won't question God or his actions, but gosh I just don't understand. I just don't get the point.

I had a dream...

On Valentines Day I dreamt a dream in which I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Not for a moment did I ever think that the dream that woke me up that night would be the nightmare that I'm living at this moment.

In my dream I dreamt that my sister was pregnant (which she is) and was hanging out with my dad. That's not bad at all. But in this dream I was on my knees begging my dad to be a part of my life. I'm talking about begging and crying with knots in my throat. I woke up and said "God, I miss my dad!" My hubby was at work, so somehow I cried myself back to sleep. I kept thinking something's up with him. But I thought maybe I dreamt that because I missed him and was somehow a little upset he hadn't returned my phone calls/facebook messages. So I brushed it off and didn't think much else. Then when I woke up I remembered another part of the dream which had nothing to do with the other. I remembered being asleep and all of a sudden feeling my insides move. Like a wave inside my abdomen. I smiled thinking, "oh, I can't wait to feel my baby."

The next day or two I dreamt my mom and I were bathing a little beautiful chubby little baby who was no more than a couple inches long. But other than that was fully developed. I remember watching as it smiled at me. A huge part of the dream was where I asked my mom in spanish what sex it was and she replied "A girl silly...she doesn't have a wee wee." We smiled and continued bathing the baby.

Now as I think about them I can't help but put the pieces together and see how they were a sign of the nightmare I'm living now. I feel lost and feel that not only am I mourning the loss of my first child, but the loss of my father.

I pray that the pain goes away. I pray that things get better. But wow how real were my dreams?

Completely Heartbroken

Today was suppose to be one of my happiest days, but in a complete turn of events has managed to be probably the hardest day of my life.

I went for my 14 week prenatal only to find out that my baby hadn't grown since the last time we were there. It had no heartbeat either. It was just laying there.

It was so obvious that the baby wasn't alive that the doctor didn't have to tell me. I could tell just by looking at the monitor. And one by one the tears began to fall and have not stopped.

My heart is completely shattered. I don't know what to say or feel. I just feel like a complete failure as a wife and ultimately as a woman.

I know it's not my fault or the doctors or anyone for that matter, but as a human I can't help but feel like maybe there was something I could've done differently. Wishful thinking I guess. But the truth of the matter is that my baby is gone.

My hubby is trying so hard to comfort me, but really right this minute I can't feel comfort. All I feel is pain and heartache. They say that "God knows why he does what he does." I get that and by no means do I blame God or question his actions, but gosh it just hurts so much.

In a blink of an eye all my hopes and dreams and plans were wiped away. Yes, we can try again. Yes, if I believe we'll get a second chance... but in the meantime my baby is gone and nothing I say or do can bring her/him back.

At this very moment all I can do is cry.