The Huntington Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens

You know that saying "I need a vacation from my vacation"? Welp, that was me yesterday. So today, I woke up bright and early and asked my hubby to spend Easter at the Hungtington Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens with me. He didn't hesitate once. In fact, he thought that would be an awesome idea.

So we headed over and I just have to say how much I fell in love with the charm and absolute beauty of this place. It's not like the Arboratum... it has it's own charm. I love both places so much I could jump between both all day. However, the Huntington is a bit more steep in price. I guess that's because it's a private park as opposed to the Arboratum which is part of the LA County Parks and Rec.

The Huntington is separated into various garden settings which are the backdrop to a gorgeous art museum and a sweet looking library. We spent all day there taking hundreds of pictures. It was THAT beautiful.

The fact that it's spring time and the weather was so perfect totally helped set the tone for an awesome day. I'm definitely thinking of going back but later in the spring or early summer. God permitting of course :)

I had a dream...

On Valentines Day I dreamt a dream in which I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Not for a moment did I ever think that the dream that woke me up that night would be the nightmare that I'm living at this moment.

In my dream I dreamt that my sister was pregnant (which she is) and was hanging out with my dad. That's not bad at all. But in this dream I was on my knees begging my dad to be a part of my life. I'm talking about begging and crying with knots in my throat. I woke up and said "God, I miss my dad!" My hubby was at work, so somehow I cried myself back to sleep. I kept thinking something's up with him. But I thought maybe I dreamt that because I missed him and was somehow a little upset he hadn't returned my phone calls/facebook messages. So I brushed it off and didn't think much else. Then when I woke up I remembered another part of the dream which had nothing to do with the other. I remembered being asleep and all of a sudden feeling my insides move. Like a wave inside my abdomen. I smiled thinking, "oh, I can't wait to feel my baby."

The next day or two I dreamt my mom and I were bathing a little beautiful chubby little baby who was no more than a couple inches long. But other than that was fully developed. I remember watching as it smiled at me. A huge part of the dream was where I asked my mom in spanish what sex it was and she replied "A girl silly...she doesn't have a wee wee." We smiled and continued bathing the baby.

Now as I think about them I can't help but put the pieces together and see how they were a sign of the nightmare I'm living now. I feel lost and feel that not only am I mourning the loss of my first child, but the loss of my father.

I pray that the pain goes away. I pray that things get better. But wow how real were my dreams?

Completely Heartbroken

Today was suppose to be one of my happiest days, but in a complete turn of events has managed to be probably the hardest day of my life.

I went for my 14 week prenatal only to find out that my baby hadn't grown since the last time we were there. It had no heartbeat either. It was just laying there.

It was so obvious that the baby wasn't alive that the doctor didn't have to tell me. I could tell just by looking at the monitor. And one by one the tears began to fall and have not stopped.

My heart is completely shattered. I don't know what to say or feel. I just feel like a complete failure as a wife and ultimately as a woman.

I know it's not my fault or the doctors or anyone for that matter, but as a human I can't help but feel like maybe there was something I could've done differently. Wishful thinking I guess. But the truth of the matter is that my baby is gone.

My hubby is trying so hard to comfort me, but really right this minute I can't feel comfort. All I feel is pain and heartache. They say that "God knows why he does what he does." I get that and by no means do I blame God or question his actions, but gosh it just hurts so much.

In a blink of an eye all my hopes and dreams and plans were wiped away. Yes, we can try again. Yes, if I believe we'll get a second chance... but in the meantime my baby is gone and nothing I say or do can bring her/him back.

At this very moment all I can do is cry.

Just Breathe

This week has been hard for me psychologically. From watching my body go haywire to simply not feeling like myself. Luckily, I have the most loving and nurturing husband who held me and simply told me to "breathe." It actually works.

Just now he took me on a walk and I was able to do just that. I was able to see that I'm just like every other woman out there who is worried about one thing or another because ultimately we know everything is out of our control. I realized I have to have faith and trust that Diosito and La Virgensita know what they're doing. I have to believe that everything is going to be alright.

I mean seriously, I can't be stressing myself over every little thing. I'm also going to limit my goggling of things because seriously, that's a disaster waiting to happen. LOL.

A Happy Spirit

I am feeling so good today. My spirit is as happy as can be :). And listening to "Play for Change" always makes me smile even bigger.

It's the little things

Today my sis was off from work and was here in the house, so I got to spend most of my day hanging out with Clarice and Angie. It was nice. Angie and I played LIFE while Clarice worked on her ladybug house. It was cute watching Angie come up with the rules since we couldn't remember how the game went. Isn't that something... forgetting how to play LIFE? I served us all cups of water and when they saw I added lemon to mine they kindly requested that they get some lemon too. So there we were playing for a good couple of hours. All the while sipping on lemon water and singing along to Adele. Yes. My girlies enjoy Adele. Angie even complimented me and said that the song "Set fire to the Rain" sounded better when I sing it. . . Oh, bless her little heart!

Later Clarice asked me to watch her use her bike without the training wheels outside. Of course I accepted the invitation. I watched her go back and fourth. All the while she had the hugest smile on her face. She was so proud of learning how to ride in one night without the training wheels. I couldn't help but feel very happy for her. After a while she got off and told me that she finally was my complete twin. That she could now go riding with me. I couldn't help but smile and give her a big 'ol hug and agree.

We headed back inside where Clarice and Angie asked to watch one of my movies. They both picked "Elf". Which I thought was odd because Christmas is still pretty far away, but they said it's always a good day to see "Elf." So I put it on.

Meanwhile I went on with my daily tasks. As the movie finishes Clarice tells my sister and I "I'm gonna start being good... Santa's watching and Christmas is coming!" It was so cute! All I thought at that moment was "You are good. You are perfectly good just the way you are." Because they are. Those two are truly my pride and joy.

Guess Who Finally Came to Town?

LOL. I'm probably the only girl who gets super excited when this happens. Why you ask? Well, because it hardly ever comes and when it does I feel normal. I feel like the woman that I am. Even though I've got cramps, feel bloated, my boobs hurt, and I'm such an emotional roller coaster, I can't help but get excited to think that my body will finally get with it. I mean I'm 31 and I would LOVE to have a beautiful healthy baby soon..... how awesome would that be? But I gotta take it slow... one day at a time... and when God decides it'll happen. :) It will happen.

30 Day Challenge-Day 2

DAY 2-How Have You Changed in the Last Two Years?

• I've changed a whole lot from two years ago. I truly feel like I'm a completely different person.I no longer say yes to everyone's requests. For example, for a long time I stopped whatever I was doing or change my plans to accommodate my family or friends. I did it because I loved them or cared for them, but it became extremely exhausting.

• I took charge of my health. I was letting PCOS beat me. I was letting PCOS define who I would be. Now I'm much healthier and happier. I began working out and eating much healthier. Before it would be nearly impossible for me to lose a single pound, but now I can honestly say I've been able to figure out the trick to living with PCOS and lose weight. It's hard, but I've been quite successful. God has granted me the strength and willpower to succeed.

• I look different. I've lost 37 pounds and counting. Because of PCOS I lived for many years with dark blotches all over my skin. It was embarrassing! Now I only have a small patch on my chest that's slowly fading away. I am so happy to finally look normal. It really is the little things that make me happy :)

• I'm happier. Not that I wasn't before, because God had always blessed me with a loving family, but I'm HAPPIER. I'm certainly more confident and self-assured than ever before. As I type this I can't help, but feel good about my accomplishments. 

I'm glad I made these changes. (Excuse me while I pat myself on the back!...LOL)

My Bucket List

Recently I found this website called Bucket List . It's pretty much a place in which you write down everything you'd like to accomplish before well, kicking the bucket. LOL. While looking at some of the items on other people's bucket lists I realized I'm not alone. Some things I really want to do while others I've been blessed to have done. So with that said, I decided to make one. It was going to be 35 by 35, but that's like tomorrow and I don't know if that's too soon! Ha ha ha! So in no particular order here goes:

1. Drive in Europe
2. Visit Europe (Italy, Paris, France, Spain, etc)
3. Have a baby. Raise a well rounded child.
4. Run a half marathon
5. Run a marathon
6. Visit the rainforest
7. Learn how to do eye make-up
8. Attain my weight goal of 128-125lbs.
9. Create an app
10. Get a college degree
11. Road trip across the US.
12. Take a break from work
13. Skydive
14. Visit NYC
15. Backpack through Thailand
16. Sleep at the beach (Camp)
17. Hike Yosemite
18. Hike Zion National Park
19. Have a church wedding
20. Survive 2012
21. Get drunk
22. Shoot a gun
23. See the Grand Canyon
24. Camp at Big Sur
25. Adopt a child
26. Get a tattoo
27. Plant a garden
28. Rock climbing
29. Do the splits (once again)
30. Do something new every day for a year
31. Take a cruise
32. Get my last kiss from the love of my life
33. Zipline
34. Blog every day.
35. Swim with the dolphins
36. Live in another state
37. Have a Mariachi sing me "Las Mañanitas" on my birthday.
38. Learn Korean
39. Discover my birth country... Guatemala

Now, there are so many more things I'd like to accomplish prior to my big day, but for now these will do. How about you? Are there any particular things you would like to accomplish? Do bucket lists motivate or depress you? Have you done any? 

My Babies Have Culminated

Clarice, Maddie, Angie, & Skylir

I've been blessed. I've been able to witness my two greatest loves grow from innocent babies to wonderful kids. I'm extremely proud of who they've become and am ecstatic to see them grow into strong ladies. But we're not that far along yet! The girlies are barely done with kinder & 2nd grades. But this is a hard time for me because since I worked in the school they attended I felt a deeper connection. Unfortunately, my school only goes up to 2nd grade. Now my sister has enrolled them both in another school with a full elementary. And like a baby I want to cry. I know they'll be fine, but I'm going to miss them sooooooo much!

I love those two with every piece of me!

Eaton Canyon

Went hiking today. It was seriously such a great day for it too! Took my hubby and the pups. We went to Eaton Canyon in Pasadena and made it all the way to the waterfall. It was soooo pretty. I loved crossing the rivers and just sharing this day with my poopsies. I did however, feel bad for Leo on our way back because he was seriously tired. He kept trying to lay down and chill, but Manuel and I kept on hiking. I am so proud of them. I need to take them out more so that they get used to it though...

Precious taking a break. My poor baby was tired!

The hike ended up being about 5 miles to and from the waterfall. It was crowded... a little too crowded for my liking actually... but I can't blame 'em it was lovely out.

Manuel at the waterfall

Manuel wore the shorts that I bought him yesterday. He loved his army camo shorts. I really needed to spend this time with him as I really don't want this marriage to fail. I adore him. I married him for a reason right? Yes. He's an awesome and loving man. I'm really quite lucky. I just need to forget about the past and focus on my marriage. He deserves it. I deserve it.

Leo and I at Eaton Canyon

On other news, I'm ecstatic. I love seeing how much my body has transformed. I'm really quite close to getting back to my "old" me. As of this morning I weigh 192. I think I've lost a good 40lbs since last year! eeeek!!!! I feel great! I feel like there is nothing I can't do. Ahhhh. . .I can breathe :) It's funny because as I began gaining weight I somehow stopped taking pictures. I became the person behind the camera. I'm just glad this is changing for me :) Soooo, after looking at these pix I decided that I'm probably 1/2 ways done with my weightloss. Maybe even 3/4. I mean 80# is A LOT! I mean seriously, I'm happy now. I can't imagine how I'll feel down the road :) EXCITING!

I made it to the waterfall! Yay! Too bad it was packed!

Well, I'm ready for the week ahead :) Please Lord, make this a drama free week! I got a million things to do, but I'm willing to work hard :) Then, it's SPRING BREAK! Woot! Woot! Catalina Island here we come!!!! Yay!

Mother Nature is not a Force to be Wreken With

Yesterday my friend Emyly and I decided to take a hike down to The Bridge to Nowhere. It is located over the San Gabriel River. We were ecstatic as it is supposed to be a challenging hike with numerous river crossings. I expected to get wet and tired, but I didn't mind. I was ready for the adventure. We left around 830am and started driving to Azusa... We got to the trailhead at around 10:30 but didn't beging our hike until 11:00. It looked amazingly beautiful....

So we start our hike down the trailhead...

About 3/4 of a mile in we realize the waters were awfully high and the current was quite rough. There was this wall of rock with rope tied around it to climb yourself through on the right.... It was pretty hard, but we did it, and made it to the other side. Feeling proud of ourselves we continued up until we reached a small water fall. We went and admired it and took a couple pictures... It was small, but cute.



We then continued or trek. We stopped at the first true river crossing.



I quickly got in the water while holding on to a rope that was there. Within seconds I was submerged in water. I'm short, so the water reached me almost up to my chest. The current was very strong... and the water was icy cold now! So needless to say, I jumped out of the water after realizing we needed to find another way across. So a couple feet away we saw a couple crossing the river on top of a log while holding on to a smaller rope. It looked so dangerous. Well, a couple seconds later the man fell in the water and was struggling to fight the current. He however, was able to hold on to a rock and pull himself out. Then followed his partner. She was doing pretty good, but eventually fell into the water herself. She wasn't so lucky. She went under water for a couple minutes and eventually came up, but the current was out of control. My friend and I lowered the rope we had for her and she clinged to eat for dear life. Two other guys quickly jumped in the water to pull her out. It was so scary to watch. As she's getting out of the water she realizes that her shorts are gone. Emyly gave her hers. Needless to say, they turned around and left. While Emyly and I contemplated ways of getting across we ended up having to go back because as much as we wanted to do this we knew we would be risking getting seriously hurt if we went ahead. So after a good 1/2 hour we turned around. I admit, I did feel bummed, but better safe than sorry. So up we went through that cable on the wall. . . this is where we ran into a couple of guys. One of them said "Hi" in the sweetest voice. I remember thinking "he's happy" but I also remember wanting to tell him that the waters were just too rough to try to cross... but I didn't. I didn't tell him. So after the greet he and his friend went on their way as did we. We got across the wall and back to safer grounds and we begin chatting with some people when suddenly I hear someone say "Is that guy ok?, is that just a backpack" I remember looking and realizing it was the guy we just saw. I said "that's not a backpack that's a person... that's a person!" Everyone jumped in and tried to get him, but he was in too deep. He was head up, but looked unconscious. Emyly and I ran for help, but nothing could be done. He was gone. I told her that we should go and try to get a cell signal, but as we're up on the road we see helicopters and rescue teams coming...We hoped they were able to get him, but the river is quite long and at the speed it was going who knows were he ended up at. As of this moment, they haven't found him. He's been missing for 24 hours already. It's such a tragedy. I've searched online and all I find is info that he's 21 yrs. old. I believe his name was Joe Le. May God bless his family and friends. I can't imagine not knowing where my loved one is at. That would be horrible.

Lesson learned: Mother nature is no joke. Better safe than sorry. And always tell people where you're going. Always.

 


 

Long overdue update

I wish I had all the time in the world to blog. . .

better yet, I wish I had energy to blog.

Yup. I do. So much has happened that I don't even know where to begin.

1. I'm alive.
2. But really this should be #1. . .my mom got really sick. She had kidney failure and is now on dialysis.
   
3. I'm alive.

It's been pretty hard on me, so I can only imagine what my mom must be going through. Having to give up her flexibility and be strapped to a chair for four hours every other day must be a pain. She's doing well though. She's following the doctors orders and is really trying to eat healthier. She wants to be alive. She doesn't want this to beat her. I love her for that. Because seeing my mother fight so hard for herself makes me fight for her. If she can do it, I certainly can.

I'm not gonna lie though, it gets difficult trying to manage having a full time job with 40+ hours, babysit 2 nieces 5x's a week, maintain a healthy marriage, and become my mother's health care assistant. But I do it all because I love them all. My faith in God is keeping me strong and able. I thank God for that. I really do. I also thank him for giving my mom the strength to evolve and grow from this. . .and the strength to fight on.

There are few things I want in life that God hasn't granted me...

but my biggest wish and hope is to be a mother. Now, I'm not fooling myself. . .I'm 30, and the chances of that dream coming true are slowly disappearing. However, God granted me the opportunity to be involved in these girls lives. They are my nieces C & A. . .and let me tell you. . .there is nothing I wouldn't do for them! They are my pride and joy. They make me smile and they make me cry because they are the closest thing I have to a child of my own, but also because they are awesome! They're such little people with BIG personalities. They know what they want and they are not afraid to ask for it because they know they deserve it. They know that they're perfect just the way they are. My hubby tells me that God knows why he does what he does and that he's never wrong. I trust him. I trust that he wants me to spoil these girls and teach them things that I would teach my own children. I want them to know that no matter what I love them and will always be there for them. Even if down the road God does grant me that one little wish C & A will always be my babies. Always.

Angie, Clarice, and Manuel.... my loves <3

Love,

Sandrah

El Amor Que Perdimos-Prince Royce

I downloaded Prince Royce CD. Now let me tell you, for 6.99 I consider this an excellent purchase. I love many if not all of the songs. They're sweet and heartfelt. . .they're beautiful.

You see, there are some songs that I love because they're fun and have an awesome beat. . .and simply serve my need to get hyped up and then there are those songs that I can relate to, and cry to, and simply tie a knot in my throat. This is one of the songs that does the latter. The lyrics are soooooo beautiful that I think even if you can't relate you can feel his pain. I looooove it! By the way, it's in Spanish, so sorry if you don't understand the language, but try and you might love it too =)

Lyrics

anoche soñe yo contigo del amor que perdimos del amor que tanto eh sufrido y ahora estoy perdido tu me desias que me amabas, pero en mi espalda tu me engañabas por eso esque nuestro amor a fracasado talves no sabes cuanto te ame pero siempre llore aunque tu nunca mi amor no allas notado tus labios me desian te amo y tus ojos me rechasaban por eso esque hoy yo mujer ya no te creo  [coro]  yo te ame te adore no te qiero veeieie y sufri hasta el fin no te qiero veeieie (x2)  (royce!)  duramos una noche amando y la otra peliando y aunque todo segia igual, pasaban los años a pesar de tus engaños tu me diste un milagro ese fruto de tu vientre que yo mas amo  [coro]  yo te ame te adore no te qiero veeieie y sufri hasta el fin no te qiero veeieie (x2)  (quisiera llorar!) sentimiento come on!  [coro]  yo te ame te adore no te qiero veeieie y sufri hasta el fin no te qiero veeieie (x2)

Much love,

Sandrah

So let me tell you where this is going...

She Found Herself a Nice Spot to Read, originally uploaded by AnnuskA - AnnA Theodora.

Tomorrow I go back to work. Ughhh. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job, but let's face it. . .I enjoy being off much more. Hehehe. Any who, I hope that I am able to keep up with this blog because sometimes it gets super hard and life just gets in the way. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's always good to have a place to vent and chill. I want this to be that place. We'll see. Any who, I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter and Spring Break. I know I did. I got to spend it with my lovely family. . .and while I'm on the subject of Easter it got me thinking that I need to go to church. Not that I want to live inside one every day, but there's just so much to learn. I haven't been to one since I was a tween. . .and back then I didn't want to go because my family was just forcing me to go. Seriously peeps, if you have kids don't force them. . specially if YOU are not going! Well, that's a completely another story. But yeah, I'd like to go. Maybe I should bring it up to my hubby. He's great, so I'm sure he'll support me. I kind of feel like I'm just rambling. AND I am! Ha! So hey, did you guys feel the quake earlier today. They say 7.2 by the border! Scary stuff!! I'm pretty used to quakes, but this one creeped me out because it kept going. It wasn't harsh at all down here in Los Angeles, but it lasted at least a minute. Felt like I was on a boat. In fact, I have to admit I actually had a panic attack! I just wanted to get fresh air. It was WEIRD! LOL.

Well, enough rambling. . .time to get to bed. . .another day awaits!

Love,

Sandrah

Life is Beautiful. . . .really. . .it is.

Lately I've been anxious to LIVE life. I'm not talking about living life. I'm talking about LIVING life! Really, I admit up to maybe a month or so ago I've been simply imagining how wonderful life could be, but I have decided to stop day dreaming and actually get up and smell the roses. . .literally. Not that I haven't enjoyed my life. . .but I think I've just been stuck in my comfort zone and haven't really done anything amazing. . .There is just so much out there and it's easy to become overwhelmed with it all. But I'm slowly opening up and indulging in everything I come in contact with. It's funny how before I wouldn't even treat myself to a little dessert and now the meals are not complete if I don't taste something sweet. Of course I end up working my ass off after-wards to cancel out the necessary calories =). Ha, but that's just a small example of what I mean. Life is just so lovely, and I'm glad I'm finally savoring it.