14w5d!

Hubby and I went in to start our prenatal care yesterday. To say that I was nervous and scared is putting it lightly. After what happened last time we both were extremely scared.

However, things are good thus far. Dr. Brisinger decided to check abdominally after I told him about how far along I thought I was. And within seconds we found this beautiful treasure:

The baby looked so cute and plump...lol. We even got to see him/her reach up and kick it's little legs in the air. I was mesmerized by it. Hubby asked about how far along and the doctor confirmed that the baby was measuring at exactly 14w5d. I was so happy because I knew it was somewhere between 13-14 weeks... so that means baby is growing perfectly. Yay us! Our next appointment is next month on the 23rd. Hopefully we'll be able to find out the sex too! :) Yayayayayay!

I have a feeling...

but I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get my hopes up. As happy as it would make me to know that again there might be that little chance I also get sick to my stomach filled with fear. I don't know if I could do this again. I don't think I could end this year in sadness. I mean you have to give it to me. 2012 has been filled with loss for me. I lost my baby. I lost my boss. I lost the feeling of family at work and just recently, I lost my grandfather. It's been rough. Yet somehow I'm here. So it's true. . . I will survive. Life does go on. But by the same token, I did regain my faith in God. Because only He was able to get me through all these losses. So yeah, I have a feeling I may be expecting again, but I really won't know until a few more days. And if I am, please God... give me the strength and courage and faith to stay positive and stress-free. And if I'm not, give me the strength, and courage, and faith to keep trying.

Music

I've been up since late last night cleaning and dusting and cleaning and dusting. Yesterday was a good day. As good as it can get after what happened. I was feeling optimistic and energized. But then I got emotional and I haven't been able to shake that feeling. I'm really trying to keep myself busy and not make too much noise as hubby got a little sick. He's fine, just a cold. But it got me thinking of how much he means to me and how different things would be without him. I am just so darn lucky to have him in my life. I hope he feels better soon.

So in order for me not to wake him I put my iPod on and listened to music as I cleaned. I put Pandora and it immediately started playing the last station I created; which just happened to be a Whitney Houston station. I created it when she passed to remember her for her great music. Any who, the first song that started playing was "Dreaming of You" By Selena. Oh my Lord, it hit me hard. Because that is exactly what I had been doing. I'd been staying up all night since I found out and talking to God and my little sweet angel. Dreaming, I guess.



I just broke down in tears as silently as I could. At that moment I realized I'm going to have some really good days and some really low ones. Things are going to happen that are going to trigger those emotions and feelings and I'll break down. I'm okay with that. It's a part of grieving, but gosh it's a hard one.

So just when I'm sobbing and feeling my heart come out of my chest another song comes on. This song is "When you Believe" by Whitney Houston. It is beautiful. I couldn't believe how comforting it was to hear it. It was as if God and my Angel were telling me not to give up. To just believe. And soon not only will things be alright, but if I believe maybe there will be that miracle.



It could all just be a coincidence, but at this moment I'll take any little glimpse of hope that God offers me.

How Long Before It's Over

Sorry to be posting so much about such an intimate and private part of my life. It's just that this is the only place aside from speaking to my wonderful hubby in which I feel completely at ease to speak of our loss in detail.

Yesterday hubby and I went for a walk. Upon returning home I felt slight cramping in my lower abdomen. Slowly the cramping became so much more intense. It sounds horrible, but it felt like bad gas that couldn't pass. I googled the feeling to find out it was contractions. I wasn't expecting that at all. As painful as they were it gave me some sort of closure. It was my body reminding me that indeed my pregnancy was real. My baby was real. My baby died somewhere between 8w4d and 9w, but I only came to find out at my 14 week prenatal. He/she's been gone for a while, but my body and mind still felt pregnant. My body held on to every bit of hope. And soon after finding out it finally decided to start letting it go. I'm amazed at it's timing.

At first I was angry, disappointed, upset at myself for finding out this way, but I've come to the realization that God wanted it that way. No, it's not okay. But last night as I laid in bed going through my contractions I wasn't too scared. I put all my faith in God and let my hubby hold my hand. We thought it would be it, but no, it's not. For about 3-4 hours I took the pain. My hubby laid next to me and rubbed my belly until the pain went away and we fell asleep. I bled a lot and a lot of jelly-like fluid came gushing out. Sorry for TMI. But my baby did not.

Luckily, I received a call from my RN who told me my doctor will return early from his vacation to see me and check me out. I figure if my body can't expel my little angel my doctor will be able to help me out.

As much as I would rather do this at home, I need to take care of myself. I want to conceive again. As to when, that's up to God... I'm in no rush. I've waited this long. I just wonder how long before all this is over. I'll just always remember my little miracle baby. Who even in death has managed to bring me closure and made me feel closer to God and my hubby. I can't ever take that for granted.

Facebook is not the place to find out that your dad got re-married...

My father and I use to be so close. For as long as I remember, he was the man who I looked up to and trusted with everything going on. I had him up on a pedestal.

Then I became an adult and he separated from my mom. Then everything I thought was....simply wasn't. Once as we were having an argument I called him out on the fact that he didn't come around anymore. His response was "you're an adult." I didn't even know how to respond, but his remark made it pretty clear. He was no longer willing to partake in my life.

So he began living with this much younger woman (younger than I), had three new kids, and there was simply no room for me or my siblings. At least that is how I saw it. Now, let me clear something up. I never once gave him grief about anything anymore. I figured, he's a grown man and he knows what's right and what's not.

It's now been almost 10 years since we've had an actual heart to heart. I don't recognize the man he's become. I can't hug him without feeling awkward. It's like he's not father anymore.

The most contact we've had in a couple of years was his "friend request" through Facebook. A request I accepted to maybe somehow keep up with each other's daily lives.

He lives no more than 30 minutes away, but somehow that's the only way I've been able to see what he's been up to. But never ever did I expect it to be the way I'd find out he was getting married.

Now, let me be clear. I'm not upset that he got married... or who he married. I'm upset he didn't tell me. Seeing his wedding pictures broke me. I realized I was no longer a part of him. It also doesn't help that he only invited my sister. Somehow they've been able to keep in contact because they have children of similar ages. It sucks feeling like the odd man out. I cried for hours while my hubby held me. I cried thinking that my child will never know his grandfather the way I knew him. He/she will never laugh at his jokes or be held by him. Not because I don't want him to be involved but simply because he no longer exists.

My heart is broken y'all. I never imagined I'd be a grown woman with "daddy issues." I never imagined turning 18 would end a relationship that was supposed to be forever.

So I began to pray to God and ask him to look out for him and guide him and surround him with love and health. Hate would be easy right now. But with my own child coming soon I have no room in my heart for that. My child deserves a happy and healthy mom. And that is exactly what I'll give him/her. Like always praying and talking with God always helps. I felt great relief. It's funny, God always knows how to make me feel better. And I will be forever thankful for all the vivid memories I have of my father. I forgive him.

Goodbye 2011

I can't for the life of me believe that 2011 is leaving. I, for one, am very grateful to the year. I accomplished so many wonderful things and personally had probably one of the best years of my life. I don't ever remember feeling so accomplished.

I think I grew up a lot this year. I don't mean age wise, but mentally and emotionally. I let go of old feelings and resentments and owed up to my own choices. Choices in which at some point I thought were mistakes, but now I realize were right all along. I took back control of me as a person. For a while, I was too busy trying to please everyone and keep up with others that I was lost. I'm so glad I focused on my health. Since January of 11 I focused on my health and it's been one benefit after another. I lost 65+ lbs! That is a whole lot of weight! I regained my health.... and in turn my fertility. I feel great.... a little nauseous... but great! Now, I can't predict the future, but I sure can thank God for granting me the opportunity of becoming pregnant and carrying this new life inside of me. It's a magical feeling. A feeling I thought would never come. Not only have I managed to make myself happy, but by being happy I've managed to make those around me smile as well. My hubby for one is the happiest guy alive right now. I love him. I cannot see myself with anyone else. Not to toot my own horn, but I've inspired so many to change the way they take care of themselves. Complete strangers even. Coworkers, friends, strangers, online friends... they've all told me how I somehow inspired them to lose the weight. It's such a great feeling. And I'm glad I've been able to do something for others even while doing it for me.

This year taught me that I can do ANYTHING and achieve ANYTHING that my heart desires. I know 2012 will just be a continuation of my wonderful life. I know things will continue to blossom for me and my family. I know that with a kind heart and an open mind, and a spirit full of faith we're all able to do great things. So no, I'm not scared that it'll all end. I know. I believe that everything will be alright and that God will continue to grace me with love.

I wish you all a very, very, very happy new year! Stay focused, driven, and filled with love and faith!

1st Prenatal Appointment

Today Manuel and I went in for our first prenatal appointment. I was so nervous and anxious. Manuel on the other hand, looked very happy to hopefully see the heartbeat. Later on, after the appointment he did confess he was scared as well. It made me realize how hard it must be for him because he has no idea what's going on internally. He really only knows what I tell him.  I'll keep that in mind and keep him more informed as we grow along. 

Overall, the appointment was pretty generic. My vitals were taken and I had to take another pregnancy tests to verify I was still preggo. Then we were taken to the room where we waited no more than 10 minutes for the doctor to come. When he did he went over all the lab work from my last appointment and all that good stuff. According to him all my bloodwork came in perfect. Nothing at all to be alarmed about. Then he did a transvaginal ultrasound. It was uncomfortable, but expected. As soon as he put the wand in we were able to see the yolk sac and some slights of flickering which he said was the heartbeat. However, he became concerned that the pregnancy looked to be only five weeks along. I, of course told him that I didn't think the initial calculation was correct because I ovulated late. We then reviewed my information and he adjusted the data accordingly. I am still a little worried though, because I thought I was 6 weeks already, so that puts me a week behind as  well. He didn't seem too worried, but scheduled a follow up ultrasound for January 12th. He said that by then we should see a huge difference. 

I have to admit, I'm scared. Pregnancy is a scary thing. A beautiful, but scary thing. I'm hopeful that I was just off and that conception occurred later than I thought. It is perfectly possible and that is why our timing is off. Seeing the screen flicker did help balance my feelings. It sure gave me hope. Hope that our little monkey is in there and beating his/her little heart away. Hopefully, in two weeks time he/she keeps growing and developing as he/she should. Please keep us in your prayers. 

Here's a little picture of what we were able to see today. 

I'm sure everything will be just fine, but again, please keep us in your prayers. A little extra prayers can only help. :)

Hope you all have a wonderful rest of 2012! I know we will definitely try to stay positive and focus only on good positive thoughts. 

Oh, by the way, with all the baby talk I forgot to mention..... tomorrow is our anniversary! Manuel and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary! How exciting! I'm such a lucky lady y'all! He's the most amazing, loving, thoughtful husband I could ever want. :)