My father and I use to be so close. For as long as I remember, he was the man who I looked up to and trusted with everything going on. I had him up on a pedestal.
Then I became an adult and he separated from my mom. Then everything I thought was....simply wasn't. Once as we were having an argument I called him out on the fact that he didn't come around anymore. His response was "you're an adult." I didn't even know how to respond, but his remark made it pretty clear. He was no longer willing to partake in my life.
So he began living with this much younger woman (younger than I), had three new kids, and there was simply no room for me or my siblings. At least that is how I saw it. Now, let me clear something up. I never once gave him grief about anything anymore. I figured, he's a grown man and he knows what's right and what's not.
It's now been almost 10 years since we've had an actual heart to heart. I don't recognize the man he's become. I can't hug him without feeling awkward. It's like he's not father anymore.
The most contact we've had in a couple of years was his "friend request" through Facebook. A request I accepted to maybe somehow keep up with each other's daily lives.
He lives no more than 30 minutes away, but somehow that's the only way I've been able to see what he's been up to. But never ever did I expect it to be the way I'd find out he was getting married.
Now, let me be clear. I'm not upset that he got married... or who he married. I'm upset he didn't tell me. Seeing his wedding pictures broke me. I realized I was no longer a part of him. It also doesn't help that he only invited my sister. Somehow they've been able to keep in contact because they have children of similar ages. It sucks feeling like the odd man out. I cried for hours while my hubby held me. I cried thinking that my child will never know his grandfather the way I knew him. He/she will never laugh at his jokes or be held by him. Not because I don't want him to be involved but simply because he no longer exists.
My heart is broken y'all. I never imagined I'd be a grown woman with "daddy issues." I never imagined turning 18 would end a relationship that was supposed to be forever.
So I began to pray to God and ask him to look out for him and guide him and surround him with love and health. Hate would be easy right now. But with my own child coming soon I have no room in my heart for that. My child deserves a happy and healthy mom. And that is exactly what I'll give him/her. Like always praying and talking with God always helps. I felt great relief. It's funny, God always knows how to make me feel better. And I will be forever thankful for all the vivid memories I have of my father. I forgive him.
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