The Arboretum

I had the most amazing day with my hubby at the Arboretum today. It is such a beautiful and peaceful place. I think it took us a good 3 hours to go around the place. There was just so much to see and discover. The place was blooming with color and the sounds of nature. There were even peacocks walking around showing off their beautiful tails. I really wish I had discovered this place earlier. It is a dream! A perfect place for wedding pictures indeed! If I lived closer I'd come here for my daily walk. I took so many pictures, but these are my favorites. 

Well, all in all it was awesome! Glad I bought the family membership through Groupon. I think it was $38 or $39 for the year; including many other arboretums and botanical gardens in CA and the US. And after going today I feel it is a total bargain. Yay for great deals!

Oh, before I forget here's their address: 301 N. Baldwin Avenue, Arcadia, CA 91007

waiting...

Waiting sucks! Here I am. Over a month after losing my bub waiting for my wonderful Aunt Flo to arrive. But so far no sign of her. In fact, I think I'm still waiting to ovulate. As it turns out... TMI warning...... I've noticed a lot of CM since yesterday. In fact, much, much, much more than I ever have. I guess that's a good thing if I were trying to get pregnant this month. And as much as I'm itching to disobey my doctor, I won't. He said I could try after my first post-miscarriage cycle. But again, WAITING SUCKS! Any who, here's my chart... and although rocky, I can see my temps are getting lower and lower.FX that this cycle ends soon!

Doubts

I'm really trying to be as positive as I can under the circumstances that I've been dealt, but I have to admit that it's really, really hard. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster that I never wanted to be on. One day I'm perfectly fine and the next I'm breaking down.

My mom keeps asking me if I'm okay and I really want to tell her that I'm not. My heart is broken and as I put it together I'm reminded that there's a part missing and it'll never be repaired.

As much as hubby is supportive, I don't want to cry in front of him anymore. I feel that I hurt him when I do so because he can't fix what has happened. He told me he doesn't like to see me cry.

But I can't help myself. I'm not strong enough to hold the tears back anymore. One day while alone at work I let my tears fall and I couldn't stop myself.

It sucks to look around and see everyone around you smile and seem happy. I used to be like that. I was completely happy and unaware of anything hurtful because I had my baby in me... With me. I swear nothing could've brought me down.

And now, it's the exact opposite. Nothing completes me. Nothing. In fact, everything is a reminder of what I no longer have.

I know I'm not perfect and I have a lot of learning to do, but I tried. I really tried to be a good person. I am being forced to swallow this pill that I'm chocking on.

It's not getting any easier. It's not! And I apologize to my little angel for him/her having to see me this way. As this is not me! This is not me!

But it's hard. It's hard to have faith. It's hard to believe that there is some rationality to what happened. It's hard to smile while holding back the tears. It's hard to do anything without remembering that you were never meant to be in my arms.

I just feel so empty. So full of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. And underneath it all, I feel scared and vulnerable.

I wonder when it'll all go away. When will I feel like me again?

Aghhhhhh.......

"Wonderland"

Manuel and I spent the afternoon at LACMA. We went to check out the "Wonderland" exposition that they had there. They were featuring art from my favorite surrealist artist Frida Kahlo. 

Although many artists were featured, I kept gravitating toward Frida's work. There is just something about her work that called me. Indeed she was such a talented and tortured soul. 

Although all work is amazing, my favorite piece is "El Sol y La Vida". I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be a mother and have your own body fail you. The subject of infertility is clearly shown.

El Sol y La Vida 1947

So after a few hours of admiring and interpreting the pieces we headed home and snuggled in our warm bed. It was a nice, cold, rainy night too.... so just perfect.

March Photo a Day Instagram Challenge

I've been a member of the Instagram community for a very long time. I'd remember seeing these monthly challenges come up before, but I never really took the time to try 'em out. Well, here's me trying it out. I hope I can stick to it. 

Day 1-"Up"
I got this plant in honor of my babe. I loved it's colors and it just makes me smile to look at it. I hung it up on our patio where I can see it right out my bedroom window. 

Day 2- "Fruit"
Funny how this made me make a better dessert choice while eating out. A cup of fruit it was.

Day-3 "Your Neighborhood"
Every time the hubby and I take a walk in the neighborhood I can't help but smile when we get to Loyola High School. I love the architecture of it. It is absolutely stunning and very well kept. 

Day 4- "Bedside"
This is my side of the bed. ZzZzzzzzzz

Day 5- "Smile"
This is a pic of a few months ago, but it's one I like because I'm smiling. It's something that's kind of hard to do at the moment, but in time I'll be able to do again.

Day 6- "5 p.m."
It was time to head out onto the garden and water my pretty flowers :)

Day 7- "Something You Wore"
I truly believe you act according to how you dress. I wanted to feel better, so I put on my cute boots and headed out. 

Day 8- "window"
It's much to pretty outside to sit inside, so I came outside and watched my little bird. I managed to catch the window behind.

Day 9- "Red"
I was way too busy and forgot to take a picture for the day, so I found this one that I took a couple months back. It's a beautiful red sunset :)

Day 10- "Loud"
I went hiking with my hubby and pups. It was amazingly beautiful out. On our way home I stopped by the shore and took this picture. I felt that the sound of peace was incredibly loud and beautiful at the moment.

Day 11- "Someone You Talked To Today"
I truly believe communication is everything. My hubby and I talk every single day.  :)

Day 12- "Fork"
Came home to find my hubby cooking one of our fave Mexican dishes... cheese enchiladas :) So I put a fork in there and BAM! LOL

Day 13- "A Sign"
With everything that has happened I look for signs everywhere.... hope these come true.

Day 14- "Clouds"
It's supposed to rain soon, so the clouds are surely coming out in full force.

Day 15- "Car"
Not really inspired to take pictures of cars, but lucked out when we saw this one at LACMA, so here ya go.

Day 16- "Sunglasses"
It's raining. Not a sunglasses kind of day, but love how you can see the reflection of the clouds in them.

Day 17- "Green"
I love how my seeds are showing great improvement! I have a "green" thumb y'all!

What a Difference a Year Makes

My hubby took a picture of me this weekend while on our hike. It's not a good picture because I'm all sweaty and no make up lol. However, when he showed it to me, one thing stuck out at me. I didn't look like me. Seriously. I knew it was me, but I feel like it didn't look like me. At least not the me I remember. It's funny how although I lost a lot of weight I didn't see it. In my head I was still very round and plump. Now, let's get things clear.... I'm still round and plump... just a smaller version. LOL. So when we got home I played with the pic and compared it to one from less than a year ago. I'm wearing similar clothes just different colors, but yeah, the difference is obvious...

Needless to say, seeing this made me very proud of myself. I've come such a long way.

Saturday

I woke up today at around 7a.m. I wanted to stay in, but the sun rays were pouring through my window and I remembered we had planned a hike to Solstice Canyon today. So I got up and woke the hubby up. We got the pups and headed out. 

We got to the canyon at around 9a.m. and the lot was already full, but luckily there was a family of 3 cars leaving. SCORE! Ha! 

We headed up the "Sunrise Trail" because I knew it would get hot early on and did not want to be facing the sun on our way back. It was the best decision ever. It was somewhere in the high 60's but sunny.  We hadn't gone hiking in a while, so I was afraid my shins would start acting out. I felt a little discomfort at first because we started pretty steep, but got through it and was able to continue without a glitch. 

The pups were the cutest. I am truly shocked at how Precious, my shih-tsu did. She was a trooper. Leo on the other hand got moody toward the end. It was quite funny. 

The hike was nice, relaxing, peaceful, and a great workout. I'm excited to rediscover our love for hiking. Once we reached the bottom of the trail we found ourselves at the old ranch. I remembered the statue of the Virgin Mary was around here, but the trail leading to it was completely covered. Luckily, we found it. I think a lot of people had no idea it was there. 

We sat in the shade just relaxing for a good 15 minutes. It was true peacefulness. Then we headed out for about a mile. All in all, it was a great hike. A beautiful day in LA.

After the hike, we headed out and stopped by the beach. It was an amazingly beautiful and warm day out. The view as always took my breath away. 

Later on that evening we decided to splurge and go out to eat. We went to CPK. We got our usual, a hawaiian pizza with canadian bacon, a caesar salad with grilled chicken, and a dessert. This time we opted to get the white corn guacamole and OMG it was to die for delicious! I want some now! For dessert we got the tiramisu. Again, superb. 

All in all, we had a good day and night. I know that lately life has been tough on us, but I have faith that in the end things will work out. I know that my Angel is looking out for her mama and papa and we're not gonna let her down. I'll take these good days any time. 

The Week Behind

I went back to work and have decided that although I lost my precious baby I would get back up and grow from this experience. Things seem to be moving right along. Although, I do have my moments. Some days in which I feel like it's a good day and then others in which I just want to crawl into bed and cry. But I've come to understand that this is normal. And IT'S OKAY.

Work was work. A million things to do, but at times no motivation to do them. Not many people have approached me about my pregnancy, but I truly think they've noticed since my bump is gone. I'm kind of glad they're being this way because I don't have to answer any questions.

In the afternoons my hubby and I go on walks (1-2 miles). They feel great. They're very therapeutic I feel.
Today, we even went over to my grandma's for some dinner. She had made some fish and "tornejas" which by the way were delicious. We spent a few hours there and she seemed very happy to have us. It was nice spending some time with her. Then we headed home and watched some tv. I knocked out. I don't know why, but it just felt like a long week. I also knocked out because I needed to sleep since we're going on a hike tomorrow. Hubby and I are taking the pups to Solstice Canyon in Malibu. Should be fun...

Any who, that was my week. Not stress free, but a good week nonetheless.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To....

Ughhh. I've been an emotional mess since late last night. I guess it's because I really was excited about my pregnancy and saw myself so happy on my 32nd birthday. That of course did not become a reality. In fact, what happened was the worst outcome ever. :( I'm just tired y'all. Tired of feeling like I'll never be a mommy. Tired of having the dream. I miss my perfect little baby oh so much. I know she's in a better place, but for today, what I wouldn't give to have her in my life.

On other news, I don't have anything planned for the day. In fact, I didn't even go in to work. My hear just wasn't in it today. I don't think I would've been able to manage all the questions today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to go in and get on with life. Just not today.

I'm thinking I want to go to The LA County Museum of Art and see the exposition that they have for Frida Kahlo. Seems nice. We shall see.

Alrighty peeps... have a blessed day.

Nervous 😳

I'm nervous to go back to work tomorrow. There are just so many mixed emotions inside of me right now. It completely doesn't help that tomorrow happens to be my 32nd birthday as well.

I'm hopeful that the day goes by quickly and smoothly. I pray that people are sensitive to my situation and that I don't find myself crying in a corner.

So I'll pray to my Diosito that I get through this very sensitive day.

Growing A Garden Full of Love

It's a beautiful day out. God sure is shining it's sun down on me today. Had a doctors appointment earlier today. Everything looks ok. He seemed very optimistic. Still have a small clot that needs to make it's way out, but Dr. didn't seem too concerned. But he did schedule me in to see him again in two weeks.

On another note, the day is pretty. I asked hubby to stop over at Target and we did. Somehow we managed to make it over to the gardening section. It was so pretty and inspiring to see all those colors and got a bunch of different ideas as to what I want to do.

While there, we decided to grab some seeds and grow some veggies, herbs, and a couple flowers. Hopefully they'll take. Here are all the goodies we got.

Once home we went out to the back patio and got our hands dirty. It's such a hard time in our lives, but somehow we're closer than we ever have been. Our baby is the best thing that's ever happened to us. My hubby kept telling me how much he loved me and was enjoying getting to do this with him. I felt truly loved. We were out there a while. Finally we finished planting and brought some inside. They'll be ready for some sun in about 8 weeks. A few stayed outside. I'm gonna try and take weekly pictures of the progress. We're actually very excited. LOL.

Later on we went over to my brothers house where my mom and step dad made some seafood soup. It was so good. We got to spend some much needed family time. It was nice. I really do love them with all my heart and am glad I have them all in my life. Luckily, we didn't talk about the miscarriage. It's just something I'm not ready to do yet. It's too painful to share. But good times were had and I'm sure my little angel had a lot to do with me enjoying myself.

Welp, that was my day. Full of sunshine. Hope you enjoyed yours and made the best of it.