A Dream Garden

I feel like my posts have been oh so depressing as of late. But really as depressing as they have been my Lord have they been helpful. And now, I feel like things can only get better after everything has happened. I love my husband, family, friends, and coworkers and those strangers I've come to know through online support groups. I'm sure they'll be days in which I dread the thought of anything, but in the meantime I can't help but feel some sort of hope.

I think of all the things I like to do. I think of all the things I want to do. And I see how today may be a good day to start, resume, or continue. I love walking, hiking, biking, I want to start a garden (albeit I don't have grass), take a nice trip somewhere, resume a zumba class, my weight loss, and reorganize my home.

I don't want my life to revolve around trying to get pregnant again. I want to try again, but I don't want that to be my life. With PCOS, I have to be realistic and know that anything can happen. I have to be hopeful that things will work out in my favor, but ANYTHING can happen. So yes, I am scared and nervous. I am scared of dreaming that dream again.



But I'm not scared of creating a beautiful garden. I hate that I have no actual grass area in my house, but I think a "container garden" will be just as beautiful and mobil in the event I move anytime. It'll be a nice spot to relax and set my dreams free. It'll be alive and bloom with the seasons. It'll be just what I need. I've always wanted one too, so I'm hopeful I can do this in the next few months. Maybe this spring. It's something to look forward to.

Here are some pretty ones that have inspired me:

What Makes a Mother?

- Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!

Getting Support

I have found such great support through these online groups on Facebook. I love that they're private, so my regular "friends" don't see that activity. It's private and frankly interacting with women who have been there is giving me the strength to not give up. I have found great comfort in knowing that I can always turn to them for a comforting word or two. It's crazy to think that complete strangers can make me feel better. I guess it's because we've all been there. That dark spot in which giving up would be much easier. But we're all fighters and the fact that we're there proves it. Although, I would certainly prefer that neither one of us was here I can't help but thank God for all these women and men. They're my little angels too!

It Happened

The inevitable happened. I miscarried. Only this time Manuel wasn't here to hold my hand. He had to work. It's okay. I'm okay with that.

I'm going to go into very detailed aspects of the miscarriage, so if that by any chance makes you uncomfortable please stop reading. I am doing this for me and for those who may be going through something similar and feel alone. I know that reading similar stories online helped me a great deal these past few days.

Ok. Here goes.

I began feeling like I was getting contractions at 11:40 something. From what I went through the night before I knew I would need some sort of pain killer. Luckily we bought some Advil earlier. I took one and sooner than later they started kicking in hardcore. Only today the pain was definitely in the birth canal. I knew that at any moment it would happen. I held my pillows tight and told God and the baby that it was okay. It was okay to do this without Manuel because he was with me in spirit. I asked God to make this quick and as pain free as possible. As crazy as it sounds I even sang. I needed to get my mind off of the pain. And about an hour later I got a contraction and felt a pop then a sudden gush of fluid. I got up and walked to my restroom. I sat on the toilet and within seconds I felt my whole body release the pregnancy. At that very moment I felt closure. I changed pads and put a bunch of plastic bags around my hand and plunged it into the toilet. There was no way I was flushing my child. I needed to see her. I needed this. I dug around and found the sac, but I couldn't see my lil one. There was too much blood. In the meantime I feel myself losing more blood, tissue, and fluids. I finally see a little whitish tissue about the size of a nickel and try to get it, but it would slip. It was still attached to part of the sac. I got a q-tip to hold it up and somehow removed the bags from my hand. I grabbed tissue and cleaned it up. It was so perfect and beautiful. It was just how I'd seen it on the ultrasound. Normally, I'd gag at the sight of bodily fluids, but not today. This was my little angel baby. She looks content and looks as if she was smiling and holding her belly. She was perfect.

I called my hubby at work but kept missing him. Finally he picked up and told him what happened. He was so concerned and his voice trembled. He wanted me to tell my sister or mom, but I couldn't. My sister is almost 7 months and my mom had dialysis in a few hours. I couldn't. I needed this moment to be private. He reluctantly understood. I told him how beautiful she was and broke into tears. I'm okay. I'm okay I repeated. I'm just emotional I assured him. I told him I wanted to bury her. I wanted to go on a hike and give her a beautiful view, but he said he'd rather bury her at a Cemetry or at home. Truth is, I just want to be able to visit her resting site and have her rest in peace. I told him we'd talk about it when he got home. He was okay with it but continued to ask if I was ok. He regretted not being here. I reassured him it was ok. I know he would've never left me had he known it would happen tonight. I love that man. I never thought it would be at all possible to fall in love over and over with someone. Because through this darkness our baby brought us closer than I ever thought.

So after a few minutes of back and fourth reassurance he let me go. I got off the phone and showered. I remember thinking "thank you God."

After I showered I wrote my baby a note on the paper she laid on. I placed her in a small box. I pray she rests in peace and is happy in heaven. I know this is just her body, but having seen her and felt her has brought great closure.

I don't expect anyone to understand. Heck, I can't wrap my mind as to what just happened. I'm just hopeful someone finds it helpful.

And now, I lay me down to sleep. I'm hopeful I can get some rest.

Thank you for reading. And if you're going through this please know you're not alone. Please find comfort in knowing your little one is in a better place. May you find inner peace and surround yourself with love.

Goodnight.

How Long Before It's Over

Sorry to be posting so much about such an intimate and private part of my life. It's just that this is the only place aside from speaking to my wonderful hubby in which I feel completely at ease to speak of our loss in detail.

Yesterday hubby and I went for a walk. Upon returning home I felt slight cramping in my lower abdomen. Slowly the cramping became so much more intense. It sounds horrible, but it felt like bad gas that couldn't pass. I googled the feeling to find out it was contractions. I wasn't expecting that at all. As painful as they were it gave me some sort of closure. It was my body reminding me that indeed my pregnancy was real. My baby was real. My baby died somewhere between 8w4d and 9w, but I only came to find out at my 14 week prenatal. He/she's been gone for a while, but my body and mind still felt pregnant. My body held on to every bit of hope. And soon after finding out it finally decided to start letting it go. I'm amazed at it's timing.

At first I was angry, disappointed, upset at myself for finding out this way, but I've come to the realization that God wanted it that way. No, it's not okay. But last night as I laid in bed going through my contractions I wasn't too scared. I put all my faith in God and let my hubby hold my hand. We thought it would be it, but no, it's not. For about 3-4 hours I took the pain. My hubby laid next to me and rubbed my belly until the pain went away and we fell asleep. I bled a lot and a lot of jelly-like fluid came gushing out. Sorry for TMI. But my baby did not.

Luckily, I received a call from my RN who told me my doctor will return early from his vacation to see me and check me out. I figure if my body can't expel my little angel my doctor will be able to help me out.

As much as I would rather do this at home, I need to take care of myself. I want to conceive again. As to when, that's up to God... I'm in no rush. I've waited this long. I just wonder how long before all this is over. I'll just always remember my little miracle baby. Who even in death has managed to bring me closure and made me feel closer to God and my hubby. I can't ever take that for granted.

Waiting

It's been a couple days and I keep playing everything over and over in my mind. I keep thinking what went wrong. I don't think I'll ever know. It just happens I guess. Still the heartbreak is unbearable at times. Ive cried a million tears and somehow it's not enough. Hubby wants me to feel better, but understands its gonna take some time. I cry at the most random moments. Like as he hugged me I caressed his ear and remember thinking "what would the baby look like?" I cry when I look at my puppy's belly... Because I always joked that once my baby was born I'd get to kiss my baby's belly. I cried cleaning up my room because I realized I no longer had to be careful with cleaning products. I cried when I bought cheese because I now knew I could eat queso fresco without worrying i'd hurt the baby. I break down when I see my nieces because I wanted so badly my baby to interact with them...yes, I cried...and I honestly don't know when I'll stop.

And now I'm waiting for nature to take its course and for my body to naturally eject my baby. I'm bleeding already, so it's only a matter of time. Then on my birthday I'm due to see my doctor and see if a d&c is still necessary. I'm truly hopeful that my body does its job and that a d&c won't be necessary. I don't want anymore waiting.

I've come to terms with what happened. I just hope I get another chance. Maybe not right now... I need to grieve and let my body heal, but sometime soon... and when and if it happens I'll hope and pray that God and my little angel baby look out for us and grant us the joy of being parents.

It's hard. It's scary. It's unfair. I won't question God or his actions, but gosh I just don't understand. I just don't get the point.

I had a dream...

On Valentines Day I dreamt a dream in which I woke up in the middle of the night crying. Not for a moment did I ever think that the dream that woke me up that night would be the nightmare that I'm living at this moment.

In my dream I dreamt that my sister was pregnant (which she is) and was hanging out with my dad. That's not bad at all. But in this dream I was on my knees begging my dad to be a part of my life. I'm talking about begging and crying with knots in my throat. I woke up and said "God, I miss my dad!" My hubby was at work, so somehow I cried myself back to sleep. I kept thinking something's up with him. But I thought maybe I dreamt that because I missed him and was somehow a little upset he hadn't returned my phone calls/facebook messages. So I brushed it off and didn't think much else. Then when I woke up I remembered another part of the dream which had nothing to do with the other. I remembered being asleep and all of a sudden feeling my insides move. Like a wave inside my abdomen. I smiled thinking, "oh, I can't wait to feel my baby."

The next day or two I dreamt my mom and I were bathing a little beautiful chubby little baby who was no more than a couple inches long. But other than that was fully developed. I remember watching as it smiled at me. A huge part of the dream was where I asked my mom in spanish what sex it was and she replied "A girl silly...she doesn't have a wee wee." We smiled and continued bathing the baby.

Now as I think about them I can't help but put the pieces together and see how they were a sign of the nightmare I'm living now. I feel lost and feel that not only am I mourning the loss of my first child, but the loss of my father.

I pray that the pain goes away. I pray that things get better. But wow how real were my dreams?

Completely Heartbroken

Today was suppose to be one of my happiest days, but in a complete turn of events has managed to be probably the hardest day of my life.

I went for my 14 week prenatal only to find out that my baby hadn't grown since the last time we were there. It had no heartbeat either. It was just laying there.

It was so obvious that the baby wasn't alive that the doctor didn't have to tell me. I could tell just by looking at the monitor. And one by one the tears began to fall and have not stopped.

My heart is completely shattered. I don't know what to say or feel. I just feel like a complete failure as a wife and ultimately as a woman.

I know it's not my fault or the doctors or anyone for that matter, but as a human I can't help but feel like maybe there was something I could've done differently. Wishful thinking I guess. But the truth of the matter is that my baby is gone.

My hubby is trying so hard to comfort me, but really right this minute I can't feel comfort. All I feel is pain and heartache. They say that "God knows why he does what he does." I get that and by no means do I blame God or question his actions, but gosh it just hurts so much.

In a blink of an eye all my hopes and dreams and plans were wiped away. Yes, we can try again. Yes, if I believe we'll get a second chance... but in the meantime my baby is gone and nothing I say or do can bring her/him back.

At this very moment all I can do is cry.

Pregnancy Update-13 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow I'll be 14 weeks! I am in such disbelief. I've been so blessed with almost no symptoms making this pregnancy even that more surreal. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think, talk, or plan for my baby. Sometimes it feels like a dream, and I'm scared to wake up from it because it is indeed a beautiful dream. I have my next appointment this thursday afternoon. I hope Dr. Brisinger does another ultrasound and I'll be able to see my little bean even bigger now. I also hope I can hear his/her heartbeat. Sometimes as I lay in bed I press my fingers against my abdomen and I can feel the heartbeat... just barely, but I feel it. It's so exciting.

I've been walking a bit more now that I have more energy. I've also been able to eat healthier food too. Before the sight of anything green made me nauseous. lol. I'm glad that's over. Funny thing is although I got nauseous I only threw up once. Gosh, I've been lucky!

My one true craving has been oranges. I've craved them every single day for at least the past month. Even the sight of orange juice and soda (which I know is bad) makes my mouth water. But I can't control that.

So now that I'm on my second trimester things are supposed to be smooth sailing. I'm actually looking forward to my next appointment. Then I can really get down to planning.

At the moment the house is a mess. However (crossing fingers), that may change. My sister and George may be moving out soon. I say may because they're "thinking" about it. That's a start. I'll miss them, but I do miss living on our own. I miss having a clean organized home. I love my sis, but she's a complete mess in that department. LOL. So yeah, the idea of them leaving has given me hope. If not, next year we'll definitely be out. I can't raise a child under these living conditions. But that's still a ways to go.

Welp, we'll see how things go on Thursday. Hopefully great! Now it's only a matter of waiting and careful planning. :)

Facebook is not the place to find out that your dad got re-married...

My father and I use to be so close. For as long as I remember, he was the man who I looked up to and trusted with everything going on. I had him up on a pedestal.

Then I became an adult and he separated from my mom. Then everything I thought was....simply wasn't. Once as we were having an argument I called him out on the fact that he didn't come around anymore. His response was "you're an adult." I didn't even know how to respond, but his remark made it pretty clear. He was no longer willing to partake in my life.

So he began living with this much younger woman (younger than I), had three new kids, and there was simply no room for me or my siblings. At least that is how I saw it. Now, let me clear something up. I never once gave him grief about anything anymore. I figured, he's a grown man and he knows what's right and what's not.

It's now been almost 10 years since we've had an actual heart to heart. I don't recognize the man he's become. I can't hug him without feeling awkward. It's like he's not father anymore.

The most contact we've had in a couple of years was his "friend request" through Facebook. A request I accepted to maybe somehow keep up with each other's daily lives.

He lives no more than 30 minutes away, but somehow that's the only way I've been able to see what he's been up to. But never ever did I expect it to be the way I'd find out he was getting married.

Now, let me be clear. I'm not upset that he got married... or who he married. I'm upset he didn't tell me. Seeing his wedding pictures broke me. I realized I was no longer a part of him. It also doesn't help that he only invited my sister. Somehow they've been able to keep in contact because they have children of similar ages. It sucks feeling like the odd man out. I cried for hours while my hubby held me. I cried thinking that my child will never know his grandfather the way I knew him. He/she will never laugh at his jokes or be held by him. Not because I don't want him to be involved but simply because he no longer exists.

My heart is broken y'all. I never imagined I'd be a grown woman with "daddy issues." I never imagined turning 18 would end a relationship that was supposed to be forever.

So I began to pray to God and ask him to look out for him and guide him and surround him with love and health. Hate would be easy right now. But with my own child coming soon I have no room in my heart for that. My child deserves a happy and healthy mom. And that is exactly what I'll give him/her. Like always praying and talking with God always helps. I felt great relief. It's funny, God always knows how to make me feel better. And I will be forever thankful for all the vivid memories I have of my father. I forgive him.

The Vow

I love Rachel McAdams, so there was no question that I'd enjoy this movie. The hubby and I went over to see it and it did not disappoint. Both hubby and I loved it. The movie reminded me so much of my hubby and I without the me losing my memory part. Just the relationship itself. Now, many people were disappointed with the ending, but I found it fitting. I gotta say one part stood out to me. The part where she's confronting her mom. I loved how mom responded that she chose to stay for all the right things he'd done and forgive him for the one thing he did wrong. OMG I got a knot in my throat. I think that's how I feel about relationships. You have to weigh your options and your life. I'm not saying stay with a man who's gonna hurt you and lie. Not at all, but after so many years together and forming a family you at least have to try and forgive. Now if he continues with the crap then he can go to hell, but you tried. Now, I hope I am never in that situation, but shit happens and I'll be dammed if I'm not prepared to whoop ass! LOL.

I read the story that inspired the movie and although romantic, I do prefer the movie version. I'm such a hopeless romantic. LOL.

Feeling Like The Luckiest Girl in The World

Sorry I've been MIA. I've just been keeping myself busy with work. However, that's getting boring!

Ha! But you know what's fun and great and completely awesome?!?! Well, as of yesterday, Valentines Day I am now 13 weeks! THIRTEEN WEEKS! Which puts me at my SECOND TRIMESTER! Isn't that awesome? I love having these wonderful milestones coincide with Holidays... This will help me forever remember how I felt at such a stage. :)

I'm normally not a big fan of Valentines Day because I feel it's overrated, but this year was a bit more meaningful for me because it helped me appreciate my hubby for everything he does for me. Since finding out we were pregnant he's so happy and loving and quite even more attentive. He's going to be such a wonderful father just like he is a wonderful husband. :)

Life is great :)