Our 10th Anniversary

On Friday, Manuel and I celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary.  We invited my mom, sis, bro, and their better halfs to join us at Casa Sanchez for dinner and mariachi. It was such good times! The food was yummy, the music was awesome, and the company was the best. I am so happy to be married to such a wonderful man... the father of this wonderful little baby growing inside of me :) Before leaving I wanted to take the opportunity to tell my family about the baby, so I told my little niece to share a picture with everyone and she was more than happy to do so. She was ecstatic as was everyone else.

Like I said, good times :)

14w5d!

Hubby and I went in to start our prenatal care yesterday. To say that I was nervous and scared is putting it lightly. After what happened last time we both were extremely scared.

However, things are good thus far. Dr. Brisinger decided to check abdominally after I told him about how far along I thought I was. And within seconds we found this beautiful treasure:

The baby looked so cute and plump...lol. We even got to see him/her reach up and kick it's little legs in the air. I was mesmerized by it. Hubby asked about how far along and the doctor confirmed that the baby was measuring at exactly 14w5d. I was so happy because I knew it was somewhere between 13-14 weeks... so that means baby is growing perfectly. Yay us! Our next appointment is next month on the 23rd. Hopefully we'll be able to find out the sex too! :) Yayayayayay!

Endeavour

It's not everyday that a space shuttle lands in Los Angeles. Let alone, it is not common at all to find a space shuttle at the entrance of a mall. So of course, the hubby and I decided to take a walk (a very loooooong walk) on over to see first hand history. 

The Endeavour is huge. It's a piece of American history that just happens to be rolling down south central los angeles making it's way to the CA Science Center. I'm so happy we got to see it prior to it being placed at the Science Center. Welcome home Endeavour!

I am pregnant.

“Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.”

“I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.”

“My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage.”

“Just because a friend/relative is having a miscarriage, does not mean that it will happen to me.”

Miscarriage and pregnancy complications are not contagious, only fear and stress are.

“Hope does not make bad things happen.” You cannot “jinx” your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

“There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening.” Worrying yourself sick doesn’t prevent a miscarriage. “And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive.”

I knew it!

Positive Pregnancy Test :)

I am truly excited and scared all at the same time. It's so unexpected what with everything

that happened in the last month. But I have to remember that God is in control of everything and that things will be okay. Everything will be okay. Please keep us in your prayers.

I have a feeling...

but I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get my hopes up. As happy as it would make me to know that again there might be that little chance I also get sick to my stomach filled with fear. I don't know if I could do this again. I don't think I could end this year in sadness. I mean you have to give it to me. 2012 has been filled with loss for me. I lost my baby. I lost my boss. I lost the feeling of family at work and just recently, I lost my grandfather. It's been rough. Yet somehow I'm here. So it's true. . . I will survive. Life does go on. But by the same token, I did regain my faith in God. Because only He was able to get me through all these losses. So yeah, I have a feeling I may be expecting again, but I really won't know until a few more days. And if I am, please God... give me the strength and courage and faith to stay positive and stress-free. And if I'm not, give me the strength, and courage, and faith to keep trying.

cicLAvia

Historic Downtown LA

I had so much fun at cicLAvia. It was honestly one of the best days of the year for me. At first I was unsure about it, but am so glad I gave into the hype and tried it out.

Exposition Park

In all, Emyly and I rode for a little over 13 miles through the city of Los Angeles. From my house to Chinatown to Exposition park and back. The weather was perfect too. Nice and breezy, just how I like it.

Just another day biking in LA.

Of course right now my butt is on fire as I hadn't sat on a bicycle for that long ever, but it was worth it. Can't wait for the next cicLAvia!

RIP Abuelito

My grandfather was an awesome man. He lived a humble life. Always thinking about others and hardly ever of himself. He was the kind of man that would just bring happiness to everyone he encountered. The kind of human I can only dream of ever being. I felt awful when he passed, but never did I doubt that he'd make it to heaven. I keep telling myself "how could he not?" He was the best.

The family.

I truly miss him, but at the same time I am happy he is in a better place. I enjoyed his presence in my life. I enjoyed every bit of him. His stories, his jokes, his little shiny eyes, but most of all his contagious smile.

Saddest day thus far. Carrying our abuelito to his final resting place.

It makes me happy to know that at 86 he was able to see not only his grandkids, but his great grandkids. It's funny to think that when we were little and we behaved he prized us with a quarter and with the grandkids he prized them with dollars.

Angie and Clarice holding grandpa's portrait.

No matter what he never forgot about the familia. He always made time for us and showed us that you can be an active Cristian without forgetting about your human family. He never ever made us feel less for not being religious. And for that I thank him. I thank him for his undying love and his never ending faith in God.

Baby Pearl, Jackie, George, Angie, Omar, Grandma, me, Mom, Luis, and Martha next to my grandpa's tomb.

It is his faith that kept us together. It is his faith that allows me to believe that now my baby is up in heaven enjoying his great grandfather. I think thats why I find comfort in his death. Because my grandfather and my child are together now.

The primos, George, Luis, and Manuel giving their final respects to grandpa

I feel bad for the heartache my family is going through, but I know if we stick together through these hard times things will be alright. I know we'll heal. I know life will go on.

Rest in peace abuelito. I love you so much.

So much has happened....

I've had a pretty eventful May... it's been a hectic one to say the least. But a positive one :)Let's see... well, a major event was that my little niece was born. Her name is Pearl Charlize. She weighed 8lbs 14.5oz. An adorable little baby who is probably the calmest baby I've met. She looks just like her daddy too! I'm very happy to have her in my life and although we are TTC I feel perfectly fine around her... God, has truly blessed me with patience and love for her. I was scared that I'd be ridden with jealousy but thank GOD that is not the case :)My temps have been all over the place. So much so that it just upsets me to think about them. Seriously, I have no idea what is going on. I feel like maybe the metformin has stopped working? I don't know the MC seems to truly have affected my hormones because I'm on day 40 and no sign of ovulation :(... I haven't gained or lost any weight either, so I don't know... I'm stumped. Regardless, I'm gonna try to think positive and pray things straighten out soon.

I did it!

 

I truly thought it would be harder for me to attend the shower. But somehow God gave me the strength, will, and peace of mind to do so and enjoy myself. It was wonderful to see how happy my sister got when she saw us. In fact, she received us with a huge hug. Seeing George's face was also a great motivator. I'm so glad I didn't miss out. I started thinking of how much I love my family and how they've always been there for me. It's funny how just being there made me happy. My heart felt content at the thought of holding my little niece soon. She is coming into a family that loves her so much. A family that will be there for her through it all. So yes.... I'm so glad we had the courage to go and support Jackie and George. :)

She's here!

and yes, I'm excited. As someone who's not only been irregular her whole life, but battled infertility for so long, seeing Aunt Flo here is an excellent sign that things are right on track. I'm so happy :)



My Ovulation Chart || Ovulation Calendar

The Past Week

has been a tiring week if nothing else. I think it's because I finally ovulated and am now just waiting for AF. I've been hungry like never before, and I wouldn't be surprised if I gained weight. :( I admit, I've had no self control whatsoever. Any who, that plus coming back from vacation to a busy work week was enough to send me straight to bed after work. I'm truly hoping AF shows up between today and tues. It would really be a great sign that my fertility has improved. Hubby and I really want to try as soon as we're able. It would be perfect if we got pregnant this coming up cycle. Perfect, yes...but we know it possible won't happen. Still our hopes are there and the fact that I ovulated is certainly a great sign. Nothing else happened... took a few pix throughout the week, had way too many vivid dreams, and felt sick to my stomach today on my hike. Also been moooooody...according to hubs...lol

So here's to a good productive work week which will hopefully reintroduce my dear aunt flo and start a new cycle in our lives... :)

Have a great one y'all!

Titanic 3D

was amazing! I had forgotten how much I enjoyed romantic tragedies. It was simply amazing. Between me and you I could care less about the 3D experience, but the overall story is what gets me every time. In the end I cried like a baby. I don't mean shed a tear or two... I mean I sobbed and had trouble catching my breath. I really shouldn't be allowed to see this ever again. lol

The Huntington Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens

You know that saying "I need a vacation from my vacation"? Welp, that was me yesterday. So today, I woke up bright and early and asked my hubby to spend Easter at the Hungtington Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens with me. He didn't hesitate once. In fact, he thought that would be an awesome idea.

So we headed over and I just have to say how much I fell in love with the charm and absolute beauty of this place. It's not like the Arboratum... it has it's own charm. I love both places so much I could jump between both all day. However, the Huntington is a bit more steep in price. I guess that's because it's a private park as opposed to the Arboratum which is part of the LA County Parks and Rec.

The Huntington is separated into various garden settings which are the backdrop to a gorgeous art museum and a sweet looking library. We spent all day there taking hundreds of pictures. It was THAT beautiful.

The fact that it's spring time and the weather was so perfect totally helped set the tone for an awesome day. I'm definitely thinking of going back but later in the spring or early summer. God permitting of course :)

...so we headed to Las Vegas

On thursday we headed to Vegas. Not the place I wanted to go to at all, but it's a spot my mom always enjoys; and as it turns out it was her choice since it was her birthday.

Still, we did a little playing on the slots, a lot of buffet surfing, and a whole lot of driving around.

As thankful as I am that I got to get away, I will say, that I'm so over Vegas. I missed my house and my little garden waaaay too much. I missed being close to my pets and my little angel baby.

It's crazy. It truly is how attached I've become to my home in the past couple of months. Plus, with everything that happened and Easter... Vegas just wasn't what I wanted/needed.

Bridge to Nowhere

Last year on Cesar Chavez day, my friend Emyly and I drove up to the East Fork River in Azusa to partake on the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" hike. I remember it being a nice and sunny day. Unfortunately, to our surprise, the river was much too high and the current much to strong. In fact, that day we witnessed the almost drowning of one girl and someone actually ended up drowning and being dragged by the current. Needless to say, we didn't do the hike. 

About a month later I did finish the hike with my hubby and cousin, but not with my friend Em. So this year we decided to finish what we started. And gladly WE DID IT! 

It was nothing compared to last year. The river although still wild, rose only to my knees and the breezy weather sure kept us cool. Although a very long 10 mile trek to and from the bridge, it was an awesome hike in which we proved to ourselves that we could do it! We're strong and determined :)

Happy Birthday to Salvador!

That would be my step-dad. He is such a sweetheart. Always there for my mom and my nieces. He truly is a gem :)

Hubby and I took him, my mom, and my nieces to the Arboratium and then to lunch at Olive Garden. It was nice and sunny... perfect weather for a nice walk through the park. Everyone enjoyed themselves on our walk and by the end were starving enough to truly enjoy our meal at the Olive Garden.

The Arboretum

I had the most amazing day with my hubby at the Arboretum today. It is such a beautiful and peaceful place. I think it took us a good 3 hours to go around the place. There was just so much to see and discover. The place was blooming with color and the sounds of nature. There were even peacocks walking around showing off their beautiful tails. I really wish I had discovered this place earlier. It is a dream! A perfect place for wedding pictures indeed! If I lived closer I'd come here for my daily walk. I took so many pictures, but these are my favorites. 

Well, all in all it was awesome! Glad I bought the family membership through Groupon. I think it was $38 or $39 for the year; including many other arboretums and botanical gardens in CA and the US. And after going today I feel it is a total bargain. Yay for great deals!

Oh, before I forget here's their address: 301 N. Baldwin Avenue, Arcadia, CA 91007

waiting...

Waiting sucks! Here I am. Over a month after losing my bub waiting for my wonderful Aunt Flo to arrive. But so far no sign of her. In fact, I think I'm still waiting to ovulate. As it turns out... TMI warning...... I've noticed a lot of CM since yesterday. In fact, much, much, much more than I ever have. I guess that's a good thing if I were trying to get pregnant this month. And as much as I'm itching to disobey my doctor, I won't. He said I could try after my first post-miscarriage cycle. But again, WAITING SUCKS! Any who, here's my chart... and although rocky, I can see my temps are getting lower and lower.FX that this cycle ends soon!

Doubts

I'm really trying to be as positive as I can under the circumstances that I've been dealt, but I have to admit that it's really, really hard. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster that I never wanted to be on. One day I'm perfectly fine and the next I'm breaking down.

My mom keeps asking me if I'm okay and I really want to tell her that I'm not. My heart is broken and as I put it together I'm reminded that there's a part missing and it'll never be repaired.

As much as hubby is supportive, I don't want to cry in front of him anymore. I feel that I hurt him when I do so because he can't fix what has happened. He told me he doesn't like to see me cry.

But I can't help myself. I'm not strong enough to hold the tears back anymore. One day while alone at work I let my tears fall and I couldn't stop myself.

It sucks to look around and see everyone around you smile and seem happy. I used to be like that. I was completely happy and unaware of anything hurtful because I had my baby in me... With me. I swear nothing could've brought me down.

And now, it's the exact opposite. Nothing completes me. Nothing. In fact, everything is a reminder of what I no longer have.

I know I'm not perfect and I have a lot of learning to do, but I tried. I really tried to be a good person. I am being forced to swallow this pill that I'm chocking on.

It's not getting any easier. It's not! And I apologize to my little angel for him/her having to see me this way. As this is not me! This is not me!

But it's hard. It's hard to have faith. It's hard to believe that there is some rationality to what happened. It's hard to smile while holding back the tears. It's hard to do anything without remembering that you were never meant to be in my arms.

I just feel so empty. So full of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. And underneath it all, I feel scared and vulnerable.

I wonder when it'll all go away. When will I feel like me again?

Aghhhhhh.......

"Wonderland"

Manuel and I spent the afternoon at LACMA. We went to check out the "Wonderland" exposition that they had there. They were featuring art from my favorite surrealist artist Frida Kahlo. 

Although many artists were featured, I kept gravitating toward Frida's work. There is just something about her work that called me. Indeed she was such a talented and tortured soul. 

Although all work is amazing, my favorite piece is "El Sol y La Vida". I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be a mother and have your own body fail you. The subject of infertility is clearly shown.

El Sol y La Vida 1947

So after a few hours of admiring and interpreting the pieces we headed home and snuggled in our warm bed. It was a nice, cold, rainy night too.... so just perfect.