My mom keeps asking me if I'm okay and I really want to tell her that I'm not. My heart is broken and as I put it together I'm reminded that there's a part missing and it'll never be repaired.
As much as hubby is supportive, I don't want to cry in front of him anymore. I feel that I hurt him when I do so because he can't fix what has happened. He told me he doesn't like to see me cry.
But I can't help myself. I'm not strong enough to hold the tears back anymore. One day while alone at work I let my tears fall and I couldn't stop myself.
It sucks to look around and see everyone around you smile and seem happy. I used to be like that. I was completely happy and unaware of anything hurtful because I had my baby in me... With me. I swear nothing could've brought me down.
And now, it's the exact opposite. Nothing completes me. Nothing. In fact, everything is a reminder of what I no longer have.
I know I'm not perfect and I have a lot of learning to do, but I tried. I really tried to be a good person. I am being forced to swallow this pill that I'm chocking on.
It's not getting any easier. It's not! And I apologize to my little angel for him/her having to see me this way. As this is not me! This is not me!
But it's hard. It's hard to have faith. It's hard to believe that there is some rationality to what happened. It's hard to smile while holding back the tears. It's hard to do anything without remembering that you were never meant to be in my arms.
I just feel so empty. So full of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. And underneath it all, I feel scared and vulnerable.
I wonder when it'll all go away. When will I feel like me again?
Aghhhhhh.......
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